Scene: 2000 Suburban, driving down a two-lane Arkansas highway. Dad in driver’s seat, Mom in passenger seat, 12-year-old smartass boy in back passenger seat (the only one with a seat belt that works)(the other one is twisted and won’t retract)(because my kids won’t make sure it retracts when they release it)(gah)
Mom: (singing along with The Judds) “Women like men to make the first moooove, touch ‘em like they used toooo. . .”
Dad: Men like bl*w j*bs.
SAB: What’s a bl*w j*b?
Mom: (shoots eye daggers at Dad, wonders why he doesn’t burst into flame)
Dad: (stammering) Uh, never mind. I’ll tell you later. When you’re older.
SAB: (after a beat) I’m older now.
Mom: You’re too young to know that. Your daddy was INAPPROPRIATE. Now let’s move on. (Starts humming along with Blake Shelton.)
SAB: You have to tell me! If you don’t tell me, I’m going to ask the FIRST STRANGER I SEE.
Mom: No, you’re not. Now shut it. I’m not telling you.
Dad: (giggles)
SAB: Fine. I’ll ask Mr. Calvin (Ed.: He’s a dad on our team.).
Dad: (snort) (Ed: Why is he not dead? If looks could kill. . .)
Mom: Oh, good heavens. You’re not saying A WORD ABOUT THIS. Now, seriously, I’m not having this conversation with you right now. Shut it.
SAB: Blah blah blah I’ll ask perfect strangers until someone tells me blah blah blah why is Dad laughing blah blah blah
Mom: OH ALL RIGHT. I’ll tell you. (turns around) A bl*w j*b is when someone puts their mouth on your pen1s.
Dad: (urp)
SAB: (gagging noise) Aaaaack! That’s gross! Aaaaaack!
Mom: Yes. it. is.
End Scene.